When Resilience Becomes Dysfunctional

Resilience is one of the best qualities to cultivate. There’s an inherent adaptability, which allows us to flex in a “storm” rather than breaking. And the only sure thing is that the “storms” will come. Over time and with intention we can increase our resilience. We can even achieve a super resilient state as philosopher statistician Nassim Nicholas Taleb coined it in his groundbreaking book Antifragile: Things that Gain From Disorder.   

Like our muscles and immune systems, our mindsets can grow stronger and improve from shocks, volatility, stressors and periods of disorder. This is why we take cold plunges and speak up in meetings even when we don’t want to. Resilience is a super power for sure, and we need it more than ever during this period of  The Great Change or Richard Rudd’s description of our current collective leap in consciousness. Resilience, however, isn’t always useful.

When adaptability merges with low self-esteem, it can becomes something entirely different.

Tolerance

Under the glamour of resilience, we sometimes become overly tolerant, and this can keep us stuck.

We’ve been conditioned to be more aware of  intolerance, however.  Eradicating intolerance in society is a good thing. In fact, it’s urgent that we continue to become more tolerant of others’ differences and points-of-view. I cannot think of anything more urgent in America at the moment than over coming political intolerance. Yet, while we need to practice tolerance collectively, we need to be wary of it personally.

When NLP guru Tony Robbins says, “you get what you tolerate” he reminds us that our choices cap our lives. I like to think of this as the Great Glass Ceiling inside us. The hard edge that keeps us small. And yes, women are disproportionately affected by it.

As an innately adaptable person in my 40s working hard to refine my resilience, I discovered first hand how my tolerance hurt me and capped my potential. I was such a pro at adapting to all kinds of situations that I tolerated the intolerable in my life, especially within my relationship for too long. I did this by rationalising his bad behaviour to others and more importantly to myself. I rationalised his disrespect and dismissal as just the way he was or that he didn’t know better. I excused his excuses and his repeated “apologies” that never actually changed his behaviour.

My ex-husband has been my greatest teacher. He taught me that resilience does not mean tolerance for that which keeps us small. He taught me how to access and grow another critically important quality inside me: discernment.

Discovering Discernment

We often associate discernment with judgment and a contraction around narrow ideas. But the truth is discernment is not about broadly figuring out what is right or wrong. Discernment is about the difference between what is right and that which is almost right or on quick glance appears acceptable.  This is when our imperfect self-love gets in the way of being discerning. When we don’t truly value ourselves for whatever reason, we aren’t able to ask for what we need, surround ourselves with loving people and make choices that enable us to reclaim ourselves often from the hurt and haze of the past. Without self-love and the discernment it enables, we justify and make excuses because we can’t see clearly when the storm moves in.

So here are some common ways that with 100% honesty that you’re too tolerant:

• You put other people’s needs, comfort, opinions or happiness before your own.
• You put up with physical pain instead of exploring it’s origin and getting medical care.
• You rationalise harmful behaviour in yourself or others without reaching out for support.
• You avoid change and new possibility, preferring what you already know.

If you need help changing a tendency towards tolerance and shifting a situation that was born out of excessive tolerance, reach out to me.